“Ew!”
A mini Twix bar dangled from Olivia Robertson’s finger. “God, I’ve told her a million times - I despise these. Carolyn, you want it?”
I laughed. “At least your mom packs your lunch.” I passed the candy to Bella Kahn, who was unpacking a brown paper bag next to me. “Want it? I’m full.”
A strange expression flitted across Bella’s face. Her mouth moved quickly, silently, as if she was counting something.
“N-no thanks,” she answered quickly.
Sarah Elson crinkled her blond, barely-visible eyebrows. “Bell, you love candy. Every time this week someone’s offered you something, you get all freaked out. Did you get a bad grade or something that you’re nervous about?”
A mini Twix bar dangled from Olivia Robertson’s finger. “God, I’ve told her a million times - I despise these. Carolyn, you want it?”
I laughed. “At least your mom packs your lunch.” I passed the candy to Bella Kahn, who was unpacking a brown paper bag next to me. “Want it? I’m full.”
A strange expression flitted across Bella’s face. Her mouth moved quickly, silently, as if she was counting something.
“N-no thanks,” she answered quickly.
Sarah Elson crinkled her blond, barely-visible eyebrows. “Bell, you love candy. Every time this week someone’s offered you something, you get all freaked out. Did you get a bad grade or something that you’re nervous about?”
“Y-yeah..." Bella’s ears turned slightly red. “Okay, so I didn’t want to tell you guys, but I got a 63 on my math quiz. So I’m freaking out. Uh, yeah.”
I blinked. “You sure?”
Her eyes narrowed. “Of course I’m sure. It was one of the most humiliating moments of my life. Ever.” She took a bite of her apple, swallowed, gagged, and threw the rest of it out.
“Okay.” Olivia tightened her lips and made her eyes big, trying to look like she was over the topic. “So...are we still going to your house on Friday, Car?”
“Definitely. We’re going to make and eat so many cookies my brothers’ heads are going to explode.” I laughed, and Olivia and Sarah joined me.
“I can’t go anymore.” Bella stared down at her uneaten sandwich. “I have to babysit my sister. And anyway, how many more calories can I handle?” She forced a smile and laughed.
It wasn’t a convincing laugh.
Sarah joined her - except she was legitimately laughing. “You? Calories? You’re a twig, Bella.”
“I guess so.” Bella stood up. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
“I’ll go with you,” I said, stretching my legs out.
“Um, that’s okay.”
She hurried away. I let her get halfway across the cafeteria, shooting a confused look at Sarah and Olivia. They shrugged and gestured for me to move.
I did.
“Bella! Wait up!”
She launched herself into the bathroom and slammed the door. I rolled my eyes, silently reminding her that it was a public bathroom and I could get inside easily.
“Bell, what is the matter?” I whined as I pushed my way into the room. “What is so wrong about going to the bath - oh. Uh, you don’t look too great.”
Her eyes stayed fixated on the mirror, surveying her green face.
“Bella.”
Her hands brushed over her eyes, her nose, her mouth, and down to her hips, surveying herself.
I stood there, watching. Waiting for something to happen, maybe? I don’t know. I still don’t know why I didn’t do anything.
She tore her eyes away from the mirror and onto me. With that, she burst out of the bathroom. The door swung closed gently behind her and for a split second, I could see her tearing down the hallway.
I still stood there.
-
I folded the last shirt and shoved it into a bin marked “Boys,” scowling because I could hear two of my brothers playing video games aggressively upstairs and one slamming a basketball against the house.
My arms weakened as I began to lift the hefty bin piled with socks that wouldn’t be clean for long. Sighing, I decided to leave it there. Maybe the boys could actually make their way to the laundry room and help me with chores once in awhile. But until then, they could bring their own laundry upstairs and maybe even put it away.
Wishful thinking.
I wandered into the den and launched myself onto the brown leather couch next to my mom, who was taking notes while she watched a documentary.
“What’re you watching?”
She lifted the remote and stabbed at the pause button. “One of my patients has anorexia, and I have to find out more about it. It wasn’t really common when I was in college, so we didn’t learn much about it.”
“What’s she like?”
Mom shook her head. “I can’t tell you anything more. Doctor-patient confidentiality. I could lose my job.”
“Stupid therapists.” I let my head loll back on the couch as she pressed the play button.
“Anorexia nervosa symptoms include dramatic weight loss, sudden obsession with calories and portions, pretending to eat or lying about eating, strange or secretive food habits, such as silently counting calories, being unable to see the real person they are in the mirror . . .”
The words swirled in my mind, and the gears shifted to Bella. Some of these symptoms actually sounded like her recent personality.
Dramatic weight loss. She did look a little thinner, but not dramatically.
Sudden obsession with calories and portions. Well... that one I couldn’t deny she had a little bit of. Especially last week at my house, when she repeatedly check the frozen pizza box to see how many calories are in one serving.
Pretending to eat or lying about eating. She eats. Sometimes. But I’ve only seen her spitting her food into a napkin once! And that’s... normal. Ish.
Strange or secretive food habits, such as silently counting calories. Today at lunch... but she couldn’t have been counting something as silly as calories. She was probably double-checking a recent math problem. On a quiz. That quiz that she failed. Or something.
Being unable to see the real person they are in the mirror. Okay, there was no denying she had that symptom. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from the smudged bathroom mirror earlier today, and I couldn’t help but wonder...what did she really see in that mirror?
I rose from the couch, suddenly feeling as green as Bella had looked earlier.
My best friend had anorexia.
I stumbled out of the room, barely hearing my mom’s questioning about whether or not I was okay.
My best friend had anorexia.
Having lived in this house for twelve years, I was able to blindly find my way to the stairs and run my fingertips along the wooden railway that spiraled up to my room.
My best friend had anorexia.
My feet helped me along the way to my room. The noises of my brothers and the TV downstairs were blurry. I felt dizzy.
My best friend had anorexia.
And I had no clue what I was going to do about it.
-
I sat on the floor near my locker with my legs tucked under me and my books everywhere, reviewing what I had to bring home. Science textbook, English notes, history binder, red pen...
“Hey, are we still walking home together?”
I jumped, and my history binder flew across the hall. Bella stood over me, her pink jacket so bright that it was blurring my vision.
"Oh.” I rubbed at my eyes, trying to think. “Yeah, I guess so.”
Bella raised an eyebrow. “You okay? You weren’t at lunch.”
Yeah, I know. That’s why I purposely played every note wrong this morning to the point where the school’s band director wrote me a pass to come in during my lunch period. It wasn’t that great of a thing to do, but I couldn’t face Bella, and I wasn’t ready to tell Olivia and Sarah about my discovery. I wasn’t even ready to confirm it with myself.
“Yeah, I was having some trouble playing... you know... music and stuff, so the band director made me come in at lunch.” I hated lying to her.
She gave me the okay-but-I-still-don’t-believe-you look. “Okay then. You ready to go?”
“Yeah.” I rose to my feet and shoved all the books into my bag. “Let’s go.”
We made our way to the doors in silence, because there was a debate going on in my head. I need to confront her. No I don’t. It’ll just make it worse. She needs help! And you’re the only one who’s realized! She’ll never talk to me again. That’s better than her being sick!
The side that wanted me to confront her won. I waited until we were a block away from school, then said casually, “So, is everything... you know... okay?”
I saw fear paralyze her eyes for a split second, but she caught herself. “Yeah. I think so. What do you mean?”
“I mean that I think you’re anorexic, Bella,” I blurted, wanting to squeeze my eyes shut. Or travel back five seconds and make that sound nicer. Less like an accusation.
“No I’m not,” she answered in a monotone. “I’ve just been trying to lose weight. That’s all.”
“But you don’t need to lose weight. You’re perfectly healthy.”
Bella sucked in her breath. “Yes, I do! I’m fat.”
“You’re not fat, Bella. You barely eat. You can’t face yourself in the mirror. Forget that, you don’t even see yourself in the mirror. You count calories and portions obsessively. Bella, you’re anorexic and you need help.”
She swallowed hard and looked away. “Fine. Maybe I am just a little bit. But it’s my problem. It’s mine to deal with. It’s my choice. It’s my body! Not some doctor’s, or therapist’s.”
I exhaled and looked her in the eye. “You need to tell someone.”
“No! And you have to promise me that you won’t either.”
“Why would I do that to you?”
“Because...” She looked around. We were now at a dead stop on the sidewalk. “Because if you tell someone I won’t eat at all. For a week!”
She could see the horror my eyes and nodded, satisfied, crossing her arms.
“Bella, you can’t do that to yourself.”
“Yes, I can. And if you’re my friend, you’ll promise me you won’t tell anyone. Not a word. Not even Olivia or Sarah.”
I breathed out and shuddered. I might be making the wrong decision, but it was for Bella’s health. “I promise.”
-
“Carolyn!”
I laid my pencil down on the seven thousandth history pop quiz of the year. “Yes?”
“Come up here, please.”
My eyes traveled to Bella as I walked up the aisle of desks. She shot me an angry look. Don’t you dare, it said.
Swallowing hard, I approached Mrs. Davidson. She looked down at me through thick glasses. “Take this to the office, please.”
She slid a pink slip into my hands, and I nodded and exited the room. It was just an attendance list.
I passed through the fifth-grade hallway, and saw the colored food pyramids tacked up on the wall. “Make sure you eat three meals a day,” they reminded me.
Was there anything that was going to take my mind off Bella?
Reaching the end of the hall, I almost ran into a door labeled Guidance Counselor: Mrs. Nelson. Beneath that was a yellow sign with the words EATING DISORDERS, SELF-HARM, AND DEPRESSION: TODAY’S BIGGEST PROBLEMS. With social media, more and more people feel the need to starve and harm themselves, or binge/purge. It’s hard to handle today’s society, and many people find themselves depressed. If you know somebody with an eating disorder, depression, or the intent to harm themselves or others, see an adult you trust immediately.
I came to a dead stop in the hallway, accidentally slamming my head against the wall. This all needed to go away. But if I told someone... Bella would go away. Could you survive a week without eating? Is that humanly possible?
No. I continued my walk to the main office.
“Hi, Carolyn!” The secretary beamed at me.
I passed her the slip. “Hi, Ms. Jones. Mrs. Davidson told me to give this to you.”
"Thanks!”
I pushed my way out of the office and passed the guidance counselor’s office again. Images filled my mind as I worried about worst case scenarios that could happen to Bella.
“Hey guys.” Bella slid into the seat at the table. “Who wants my lunch?”
We all shrugged, having already eaten.
“So I got on the scale this morning, and I’m officially 80 pounds! I’m trying to get to 70 by Friday.”
Sarah and I exchanged nervous glances. “Uh . . . Bella . . . don’t you think you should maybe talk to someone? You should be at least 100 pounds at this age.”
“A week,” she warned, glaring at us menacingly.
We all grew quiet. She smiled and threw her lunch in the trash can behind her.
I shook my head. That couldn’t happen. I cared about her too much.
Looking again at Mrs. Nelson’s office, I could see her sitting at her desk, filling out paperwork with a pen that had the thin letters L-O-V-E spelled down the side.
My fingers hovered in the air for a split second over the wooden door. As my knuckles made contact, I observed the swirling designs on the door from the oak tree it had come from. It seemed like that was Bella’s life right now. Swirled, uneven, dizzy. Uncertain. Almost in the shape of puzzle pieces.
Puzzle pieces, scattered on the floor, that needed to be connected.
“Carolyn?” Her brow furrowed. “Come in.”
I sat down. She leaned toward me. “Everything okay?”
I was the only one who could complete the puzzle. I had to do this for her.
“Actually... ” I took a deep breath. She waited patiently. “Bella Kahn? She’s not okay. I saw the sign on your door and . . . I had to do something. But you have to help her. If she’s not fixed, something really bad is going to happen.” With every word, a small puzzle piece was joined with another. Another piece of Bella’s life was mended.
“Tell me more.”
I kept putting the pieces together. They’re not all joined yet, but someday, they’ll form something whole. Something complete.
Something healthy, that would hold itself together for a long time.
I blinked. “You sure?”
Her eyes narrowed. “Of course I’m sure. It was one of the most humiliating moments of my life. Ever.” She took a bite of her apple, swallowed, gagged, and threw the rest of it out.
“Okay.” Olivia tightened her lips and made her eyes big, trying to look like she was over the topic. “So...are we still going to your house on Friday, Car?”
“Definitely. We’re going to make and eat so many cookies my brothers’ heads are going to explode.” I laughed, and Olivia and Sarah joined me.
“I can’t go anymore.” Bella stared down at her uneaten sandwich. “I have to babysit my sister. And anyway, how many more calories can I handle?” She forced a smile and laughed.
It wasn’t a convincing laugh.
Sarah joined her - except she was legitimately laughing. “You? Calories? You’re a twig, Bella.”
“I guess so.” Bella stood up. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
“I’ll go with you,” I said, stretching my legs out.
“Um, that’s okay.”
She hurried away. I let her get halfway across the cafeteria, shooting a confused look at Sarah and Olivia. They shrugged and gestured for me to move.
I did.
“Bella! Wait up!”
She launched herself into the bathroom and slammed the door. I rolled my eyes, silently reminding her that it was a public bathroom and I could get inside easily.
“Bell, what is the matter?” I whined as I pushed my way into the room. “What is so wrong about going to the bath - oh. Uh, you don’t look too great.”
Her eyes stayed fixated on the mirror, surveying her green face.
“Bella.”
Her hands brushed over her eyes, her nose, her mouth, and down to her hips, surveying herself.
I stood there, watching. Waiting for something to happen, maybe? I don’t know. I still don’t know why I didn’t do anything.
She tore her eyes away from the mirror and onto me. With that, she burst out of the bathroom. The door swung closed gently behind her and for a split second, I could see her tearing down the hallway.
I still stood there.
-
I folded the last shirt and shoved it into a bin marked “Boys,” scowling because I could hear two of my brothers playing video games aggressively upstairs and one slamming a basketball against the house.
My arms weakened as I began to lift the hefty bin piled with socks that wouldn’t be clean for long. Sighing, I decided to leave it there. Maybe the boys could actually make their way to the laundry room and help me with chores once in awhile. But until then, they could bring their own laundry upstairs and maybe even put it away.
Wishful thinking.
I wandered into the den and launched myself onto the brown leather couch next to my mom, who was taking notes while she watched a documentary.
“What’re you watching?”
She lifted the remote and stabbed at the pause button. “One of my patients has anorexia, and I have to find out more about it. It wasn’t really common when I was in college, so we didn’t learn much about it.”
“What’s she like?”
Mom shook her head. “I can’t tell you anything more. Doctor-patient confidentiality. I could lose my job.”
“Stupid therapists.” I let my head loll back on the couch as she pressed the play button.
“Anorexia nervosa symptoms include dramatic weight loss, sudden obsession with calories and portions, pretending to eat or lying about eating, strange or secretive food habits, such as silently counting calories, being unable to see the real person they are in the mirror . . .”
The words swirled in my mind, and the gears shifted to Bella. Some of these symptoms actually sounded like her recent personality.
Dramatic weight loss. She did look a little thinner, but not dramatically.
Sudden obsession with calories and portions. Well... that one I couldn’t deny she had a little bit of. Especially last week at my house, when she repeatedly check the frozen pizza box to see how many calories are in one serving.
Pretending to eat or lying about eating. She eats. Sometimes. But I’ve only seen her spitting her food into a napkin once! And that’s... normal. Ish.
Strange or secretive food habits, such as silently counting calories. Today at lunch... but she couldn’t have been counting something as silly as calories. She was probably double-checking a recent math problem. On a quiz. That quiz that she failed. Or something.
Being unable to see the real person they are in the mirror. Okay, there was no denying she had that symptom. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from the smudged bathroom mirror earlier today, and I couldn’t help but wonder...what did she really see in that mirror?
I rose from the couch, suddenly feeling as green as Bella had looked earlier.
My best friend had anorexia.
I stumbled out of the room, barely hearing my mom’s questioning about whether or not I was okay.
My best friend had anorexia.
Having lived in this house for twelve years, I was able to blindly find my way to the stairs and run my fingertips along the wooden railway that spiraled up to my room.
My best friend had anorexia.
My feet helped me along the way to my room. The noises of my brothers and the TV downstairs were blurry. I felt dizzy.
My best friend had anorexia.
And I had no clue what I was going to do about it.
-
I sat on the floor near my locker with my legs tucked under me and my books everywhere, reviewing what I had to bring home. Science textbook, English notes, history binder, red pen...
“Hey, are we still walking home together?”
I jumped, and my history binder flew across the hall. Bella stood over me, her pink jacket so bright that it was blurring my vision.
"Oh.” I rubbed at my eyes, trying to think. “Yeah, I guess so.”
Bella raised an eyebrow. “You okay? You weren’t at lunch.”
Yeah, I know. That’s why I purposely played every note wrong this morning to the point where the school’s band director wrote me a pass to come in during my lunch period. It wasn’t that great of a thing to do, but I couldn’t face Bella, and I wasn’t ready to tell Olivia and Sarah about my discovery. I wasn’t even ready to confirm it with myself.
“Yeah, I was having some trouble playing... you know... music and stuff, so the band director made me come in at lunch.” I hated lying to her.
She gave me the okay-but-I-still-don’t-believe-you look. “Okay then. You ready to go?”
“Yeah.” I rose to my feet and shoved all the books into my bag. “Let’s go.”
We made our way to the doors in silence, because there was a debate going on in my head. I need to confront her. No I don’t. It’ll just make it worse. She needs help! And you’re the only one who’s realized! She’ll never talk to me again. That’s better than her being sick!
The side that wanted me to confront her won. I waited until we were a block away from school, then said casually, “So, is everything... you know... okay?”
I saw fear paralyze her eyes for a split second, but she caught herself. “Yeah. I think so. What do you mean?”
“I mean that I think you’re anorexic, Bella,” I blurted, wanting to squeeze my eyes shut. Or travel back five seconds and make that sound nicer. Less like an accusation.
“No I’m not,” she answered in a monotone. “I’ve just been trying to lose weight. That’s all.”
“But you don’t need to lose weight. You’re perfectly healthy.”
Bella sucked in her breath. “Yes, I do! I’m fat.”
“You’re not fat, Bella. You barely eat. You can’t face yourself in the mirror. Forget that, you don’t even see yourself in the mirror. You count calories and portions obsessively. Bella, you’re anorexic and you need help.”
She swallowed hard and looked away. “Fine. Maybe I am just a little bit. But it’s my problem. It’s mine to deal with. It’s my choice. It’s my body! Not some doctor’s, or therapist’s.”
I exhaled and looked her in the eye. “You need to tell someone.”
“No! And you have to promise me that you won’t either.”
“Why would I do that to you?”
“Because...” She looked around. We were now at a dead stop on the sidewalk. “Because if you tell someone I won’t eat at all. For a week!”
She could see the horror my eyes and nodded, satisfied, crossing her arms.
“Bella, you can’t do that to yourself.”
“Yes, I can. And if you’re my friend, you’ll promise me you won’t tell anyone. Not a word. Not even Olivia or Sarah.”
I breathed out and shuddered. I might be making the wrong decision, but it was for Bella’s health. “I promise.”
-
“Carolyn!”
I laid my pencil down on the seven thousandth history pop quiz of the year. “Yes?”
“Come up here, please.”
My eyes traveled to Bella as I walked up the aisle of desks. She shot me an angry look. Don’t you dare, it said.
Swallowing hard, I approached Mrs. Davidson. She looked down at me through thick glasses. “Take this to the office, please.”
She slid a pink slip into my hands, and I nodded and exited the room. It was just an attendance list.
I passed through the fifth-grade hallway, and saw the colored food pyramids tacked up on the wall. “Make sure you eat three meals a day,” they reminded me.
Was there anything that was going to take my mind off Bella?
Reaching the end of the hall, I almost ran into a door labeled Guidance Counselor: Mrs. Nelson. Beneath that was a yellow sign with the words EATING DISORDERS, SELF-HARM, AND DEPRESSION: TODAY’S BIGGEST PROBLEMS. With social media, more and more people feel the need to starve and harm themselves, or binge/purge. It’s hard to handle today’s society, and many people find themselves depressed. If you know somebody with an eating disorder, depression, or the intent to harm themselves or others, see an adult you trust immediately.
I came to a dead stop in the hallway, accidentally slamming my head against the wall. This all needed to go away. But if I told someone... Bella would go away. Could you survive a week without eating? Is that humanly possible?
No. I continued my walk to the main office.
“Hi, Carolyn!” The secretary beamed at me.
I passed her the slip. “Hi, Ms. Jones. Mrs. Davidson told me to give this to you.”
"Thanks!”
I pushed my way out of the office and passed the guidance counselor’s office again. Images filled my mind as I worried about worst case scenarios that could happen to Bella.
“Hey guys.” Bella slid into the seat at the table. “Who wants my lunch?”
We all shrugged, having already eaten.
“So I got on the scale this morning, and I’m officially 80 pounds! I’m trying to get to 70 by Friday.”
Sarah and I exchanged nervous glances. “Uh . . . Bella . . . don’t you think you should maybe talk to someone? You should be at least 100 pounds at this age.”
“A week,” she warned, glaring at us menacingly.
We all grew quiet. She smiled and threw her lunch in the trash can behind her.
I shook my head. That couldn’t happen. I cared about her too much.
Looking again at Mrs. Nelson’s office, I could see her sitting at her desk, filling out paperwork with a pen that had the thin letters L-O-V-E spelled down the side.
My fingers hovered in the air for a split second over the wooden door. As my knuckles made contact, I observed the swirling designs on the door from the oak tree it had come from. It seemed like that was Bella’s life right now. Swirled, uneven, dizzy. Uncertain. Almost in the shape of puzzle pieces.
Puzzle pieces, scattered on the floor, that needed to be connected.
“Carolyn?” Her brow furrowed. “Come in.”
I sat down. She leaned toward me. “Everything okay?”
I was the only one who could complete the puzzle. I had to do this for her.
“Actually... ” I took a deep breath. She waited patiently. “Bella Kahn? She’s not okay. I saw the sign on your door and . . . I had to do something. But you have to help her. If she’s not fixed, something really bad is going to happen.” With every word, a small puzzle piece was joined with another. Another piece of Bella’s life was mended.
“Tell me more.”
I kept putting the pieces together. They’re not all joined yet, but someday, they’ll form something whole. Something complete.
Something healthy, that would hold itself together for a long time.
--Mia Sweeney, 13
Mia Sweeney is a 13-years-old freshman who lives in News Jersey. Her work first appeared in 2014 in The Mad Hatter, A Journal for Student Creativity (a short story entitled “Behind the Screens” about cyber bullying) when she was an 11-years-old 7th grader. For two years in a row, 2014 and 2015, Mia won 1st prize in the town-wide Veterans’ Day essay contest. Beside fiction and essays, she also writes poetry.
